I stress myself out so much that I start to hallucinate. I’ve realized that I tell my boyfriends everything because I don’t have a father to lean on. Though much like my dad this relationship is dead.
You can’t torture people because of your own self hatred. One day someone is going to come along who is more angry with far less too lose and knock you on your ass. Keep your family issues and your sexual preferences to yourself and stop punishing everyone for the hurt you feel.
It’s scary waking up everyday realizing you’re on your own. My only income is money I work hard for and when something happens my hard earned money pays for it. I’ll be digging myself out of debt for the better half of 2013. My pay checks disappear the second I get them I can’t even afford winter shoes this year. I woke up this morning and I realized I’m struggling but my only problems are money. I have come so far this year with everything that has gone on for me to have my own apartment, car, very decent rate of pay that I should be proud not stressed. Although the few spare dollars I have go to my cats and toilet paper that doesn’t bother me because I get to sleep in my own bed every night. I have come a long way from unemployed and homeless. I might not have as many friends as I used to and I might not go out and do things like I used to but I have security within my job and my home that friends and parties could never give me.
How did I allow my life to get so bad?
You know what would make my life cooler? If my body started destroying itself….. Oh wait….
I used to care about so many things. I run situations in my head 100 times over and go forth with the worst possible outcome surely just to disappoint myself.
I don’t know what part of this year was worse, finding out I have cancer or my step dad kicking my mom out then telling me if I don’t become his girlfriend I need to leave too. Thankfully I have great friends who are helping me stay on my feet with mental support and a place to stay.
I’m so devastated by everything right now. My life is a fucking mess.
I haven’t had a real relationship in about 3 years and I don’t foresee that changing any time soon.